My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
