Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
