nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
