if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
