dude i'm inner monologue high
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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