And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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