just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
