i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
