Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
