Non-Jews are for practice
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
