Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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