Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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