Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
