This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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