My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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