Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
we should paint friendship bongs
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
