Christians are straight up FREAKS
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
