he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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