The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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