So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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