I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
