I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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