The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
