Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
