My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
