a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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