I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
