dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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