Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sobbing to NWA
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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