Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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