officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
