Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
