Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
