Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
