I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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