I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
