I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
