i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
