I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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