2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
