He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
