Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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