My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
