Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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