toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
