he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
