and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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