I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
