she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
