So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
