I am spending my child support on dildos
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
